ARTHUR
44

The unforgettable incidents that have recently occurred have hardly compensated for my new sensations or diverted my contemplation from the present. My outlook was gradually directed towards leaning on the future, and in that I quickly discovered the cause of caution and fear. My current hard work is light, and sufficient for my livelihood in one circumstance; but marriage is the mother of new desires and new concerns. Mr. Hadwin's property was enough to finance his own frugal life, but, divided among his children, would be too little for both. Moreover, this division can only take place at the time of his death, and it is an event whose rapid emergence is neither desirable nor possible.

Another obstacle is now remembered. Hadwin was a member of a sect that forbade the marriage of his followers to people of different communions. I had been trained in the opposite belief, and imagined that it would be impossible for me to be a Quakerist. It was left for me to pretend to repent, or to revoke my friend's opinion and win his approval for a secret marriage. Whether hypocrisy qualifies is not a subject of consideration. If the possession of all that ambition could be added to the transportation of unity with Eliza Hadwin, and offered as a price of concealment, it would be immediately rejected. My external goods are neither abundant nor numerous, but the awareness of honesty is mine; and, in competition with this, the luxury of the heart and the senses, is, the satisfaction of infinite ambition and inexhaustible wealth, is despicable and reckless.

The conquest of Eliza's guilt was easy; but inserting strife and sorrow into this family was a very ungrateful and wasteful act. It just takes my understanding clearly to discern, to be convinced that this hurdle is insurmountable. Therefore, it is clear that the point to which my desire is intended is placed beyond my reach.

Cultivating my passion means cultivating a disease that undermines my integrity or my being. It was very important to focus my mind on different objects, and to block myself even from sexual intercourse. Contemplating themes that are foreign to my beloved image, and alienating myself from her society, in the hours usually spent with her, is a difficult task. The latter is the most impractical. I had to deal with eyes that took turns wondering and denouncing me for my unkindness. He is completely unaware of the nature of his own feelings, and this ignorance makes him less conscientious in expressing his feelings.

Until now I did not need a job outside of myself and my colleagues. Now my new motives made me want to find some way to control and deceive my mind. In this situation, Lodi's manuscript occurred to me. On my way here, I have decided to make the book's language studies, and the translation of its contents into English, business and leisure. Now this resolution is revived with new power.

My project may be single. The ancient Italian language has a strong affinity with modern languages. My knowledge of the former is the only way I can get the latter. I have no grammar or vocabulary to explain how far the meaning and inflection of Tuscan words varies from Roman dialect. I must contemplate every sentence and phrase; to choose among the most reasonable conjectures, and to ascertain the truth by patient and repeated examination.

This endeavor, fantastic and impractical as it may seem, proved, through experimentation, to be within the reach of my strength. The details of my progress will be curious and instructive. What obstacles, in the attainment of lofty goals, man's ingenuity and patience can be overcome; how much can be done by strenuous and solitary efforts; how the mind, unaided, can, may draw out the principles of inflection and arrangement; may profit by far-reaching, analogous, and latent parables, be forcibly illustrated by my example; but the theme, however interesting, must be, however, for now, it is eliminated.

My volatile curiosity was suddenly examined by the following leaves glued to the edges. Distinguishing it without hurting the written space is not at all easy. I continued the task, not without rainfall. The edges are torn, and the leaves are split.

It may be presumed that I took the thread that had broken off; but it did not. The objects that my eyes saw, and which had long been hidden by cemented leaves, were beyond the most capricious or lawless powers of imagination ever imagined; however it bears a faint resemblance to the images previously used by my imagination. I open, and see —a banknote !

For the first surprise transport, the conjecture succeeded, that the remaining leaves, cemented together in the same way, might attach the same bill. They were hurriedly separated, and the conjecture was verified. My sensations at this discovery are of an unexplainable kind. I stared at the note in silence. I move my finger on it; hold them in different positions; read and reread the name of each number, and signature; add them together, and repeat them in heart— " Twenty thousand dollars! It's mine, and in that way!"

This amount will make up for Welbeck's bad luck. The dying lodi was unable to communicate all the contents of this priceless volume. He had divided his property, with a view to greater security, between this volume and his wallet. Death approached him too suddenly to allow him to explain his precautions. Welbeck had placed the book in his collection, intending to peruse it; but, stymied by the anxiety that would be meticulously dissipated, he rushed into despair and committed suicide, from where some fleeting possibilities passed, by opening this treasure to his sight, would effectively save him.

But does this event have to be regretted? This amount, like the first, would probably be spent in the same destructive waste. His career will continue for some time to come; but his usual habits will eventually make his existence a common and close criminal.